I’m Drifting Away from my Hometown Best Friends and it Hurts
There’s a lot of group chats I’m not in. Okay, there’s two group chats I’m not in. At least, as far as I know. I don’t know if there’s subgenres or whatnot. But I do know that when my best friends went to New York earlier this year, a group chat was birthed from it. Surely, there was already one in place, but after they went to visit my cousin in the city, one including her was formed. I know this because they post it; on their spams, on their private stories, what have you, an inside joke or FaceTime screen grab is being shared for everyone to see how funny their group is, everyone including me. This particular instance hit the hardest for me out of all the instances thus far, because I spent their whole trip confiding in my cousin over how left out I felt, and she understood how I was feeling- if there was sides to be chosen, she made it clear she was on mine. So it hurt a little bit more seeing that she was so easily introduced into this group that I was always a part of until now. I did confess to my friends that it hurt when I learned they were going on a trip that I had no knowledge of until the week before, and the reasoning for my lack of invitation was understandable, and I felt like I could move on. It keeps me up at night, though, wondering why none of them even mentioned it to me. It had been planned for a month or two, and I’d seen at least one of them since then, it just feels strange that it wasn’t ever brought up. But it’s in the past now.
Before New York was New Year’s. I’ve spent NYE with my family and the same girl since about 2018. It’s one of the most important traditions in any of my friendships, and in my life honestly. This year was of course a little different, since I live almost two hours away now, but I didn’t think it would matter gravely. I thought our tradition would matter more. I didn’t want to drive back down home since I was already home with the flu for Christmas and for my dad’s birthday. I was working the morning shift on the 31st and I asked my best friend to come up here to spend our holiday. And she agreed, until she canceled that day. I cried through the ball drop. She said she had to be up early for family brunch on the first, which was typical, until I saw photos of her still in bed past noon. But it’s okay. Plans change, I’m sure she really was supposed to be up early for brunch. That isn’t really why I cried. I don’t remember exactly, but I don’t think I started crying until I saw that she was with our friends when I thought she was with her family. And it made sense why she ignored my text telling them hello but answered the other one.
Maybe it’s my fault for moving away. Maybe it’s my fault for not being a phone call person or a FaceTime person. Maybe it’s my fault for not texting often or making enough time. Everything that my hometown best friends don’t do, I don’t do either. One day, we just stopped talking. Maybe I don’t try as much as I should, but when I do, no one else really is.
I’ve tried talking about it. I once told my best friend that I felt really left out when our other best friend went to visit her, and we had a good and honest conversation about it. I understood and I moved on. I feel like I always have to be the one who understands. My friends hurt my feelings, they explain, and I understand. And I do. I live farther, I can’t be as spontaneous or available. When you’re not as available, you miss the new memories formed, the new inside jokes being said, and you lose your place. You don’t belong as much as you did before because you aren’t as privy to their current lives. You aren’t there, and they don’t need you there, as much as you want to be.
This is heavier on my mind than usual because I’ve been sick as a dog the past couple days, which is the perfect excuse for an exorbitantly high hourly use of Instagram. Because of that, I’ve had a lot of time to watch my hometown best friends repost the same stories of the same three photos of each other after a night out. I wouldn’t have gone if they asked me, because of course I’m sick, but I just can’t help but feel like an outsider. I’m not sure what to do. I’m tired of talking about it, I’m tired of trying to do better and reach out, and I’m tired of making myself feel left out. I’m not sure what to do, but I miss my friends.
From, Willianny
